Conflicted Heart...

My heart is conflicted right now and there are times when I can't tell which emotions are winning...excitement and love or sadness and guilt.

First let me talk about the side that should (and will) win. I am so excited for my sister and her growing family that I can hardly stand it! I have been excited ever since a random Friday night in January when they stopped by my house so that Luke could tell me what was in mommy's tummy! I was even more excited in April when they found out they were having a baby girl (yes, we finally get to buy baby girl clothes and hopefully have a little ballerina at some point)! Still more excited when I got to help my sister and mom pick out the bedding for the nursery and then when I got to help my sister put the nursery together the night the bedding and curtains came in! And now, for the past week, I have been waking up during the night every time I hear my computer ding to signal a new email and grabbing my phone to check that email and make sure I don't miss an update. I am so excited for Allison and Matt to figure out how it works best for them to be parents to two children. I can only imagine that there may be some bumps in the road in figuring things out, but I continue to be impressed daily with what wonderful parents they are to Luke, so I have the utmost confidence that they will easily get the hang of being parents to 2! I am excited for Luke to have a baby sister and to adjust to his world being changed. He is the sweetest little guy that I know, so I can only imagine how adorable and loving he will be with his baby sister! And finally, I am excited that this little person who I already have so much love for will finally be joining our family! I can't even imagine what it must be like to be a mother because even just being an aunt is a pretty incredible feeling! I am excited to get to know her, see what she looks like, discover her personality as she changes and grows, hear what her noises and eventually her voice will sound like, watch her with her big brother, and mostly just to provide her with constant love and support throughout her life, much like my own aunt Peggy has provided to me!

BUT, I am pretty heart-broken that I don't get to experience all of this love and excitement with my family on the actual day of her arrival. I feel so guilty and sad that I am not there to support my big sister on one of the most important days of her life. I will miss not being in the waiting room with my parents and the Taylor's to cheer and hug and congratulate everyone once we hear that she has arrived safely. I am devastated that I won't get to see Luke's initial reaction to her. I am sad that I won't be one of the first few people in the world to hold her. I am sad that I won't be around the first few weeks (months really) to help my sister however she needs help or to take Luke out to do special things.

However, I do know that I will get to do most of these things eventually. I know that my excitement to meet her won't be any less when I get to meet her in person in October. I know that Luke will still have adorable reactions to her in a few weeks and I bet he will be excited and proud to show me his baby sister. I know that my sister will still be appreciative of help I can provide during the 2 weeks that I am back in October and I know that our time together will be precious. I know that I will still get to do fun and special things with Luke when I am back...I know the zoo will be one outing and I have heard we may even be planning a visit to a pumpkin patch! And most of all, I know that this baby girl will never feel any less love from me by me not being there for her arrival.

I love you, Allison and you are constantly in my thoughts right now...

Please keep my sister and our family in your thoughts and prayers these next few days...and keep me in your thoughts and prayers that I don't make a total fool of myself at work by crying these next few days and that I let the excitement and love emotions win out above all the other emotions!